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I am no longer updating this web page. Instead, I am now updating <a href="http://www.nebulous13.com">this</a> webpage. You'll find Month 16 linked from there. I bet you didn't think I could beat 4 months, did you? Now 5 months is the time to beat. Happy Birthday, JMP. I added the 14th month. I don't wanna hear any complaints about how short it is. Keep in mind that the 14th month for Taylor is February, which IS the shortest month of the year. I finished the rest of Month13. I also added an RSS feed so some people can keep tabs on these updates without having to check the page everyday. If you don't know what RSS is then you'll just have to suffer. The RSS link is at the bottom of the page. I know. It's crazy. You probably didn't even check for this update until May. Month 13 has been started. It's 11pm and I picked 12 pictures (out of 778). I'll add a couple of them tonight. Then the rest later. What, you wanted me to update? Why didn't you say so? Month 12 and First Birthday are new. Months 9, 10, and 11 are finished. Month 12, her first birthday, and Christmas are on the way. Merry Christmas.

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./images/logo.gif Operation Birth Buy more milk! At first, she laughed at the contractions. Honey, this might be a bad time to ask, but is it okay if I go to Vegas with Nate? The doctor had me hold his baby while he delivered Taylor. I peeked over the curtain after this and really don't remember much after that Catching some rays after her first bath Note the baby lo-jack Step 1: Eat Step 2: Sleep Step 3: Find way to ensure Mommy and Daddy never perform Step 2 There are actually 30 more ID bracelets on Kristen's leg I just can't explain how thankful I am for this gift that Kristen gave me. I mean, it's a Bolova. Those are really nice watches. This bed can move! I totally kicked Kristen onto the floor that night. Breastfeeding is so tiring. I think my hair looks pretty good for being in a hospital all night It's cold out and this baby will NOT know it In a horrible cloning experiment gone wrong, Taylor was actually born to a sheep Taylor's First Christmas Ask me about long distance service! Taylor in one of her 600 Christmas outfits I really hope she grows more hair Yep. That's us. Taylor's the one in the middle. I'm totally taller than both of them Sammie later learned that Taylor had also eaten of his porridge. 6 diapers and a 20-pack of wipes. Those were gone in 2 hours. Stare-offs are easy to win when the baby keeps falling asleep. Later, she would win by not sleeping ... ever. My dad completely disregarded the "never clash with Taylor's outfit" rule. She looks peppermint flavored, doesn't she? Look, a family tree!! HAHAHAHAHA Kristen got that sled when she was 12. I was learning to drive. Essentially the trial period before the receipt expires Free Viagra! I could totally photoshop a beer into that hand Eagle Claw! I keep that burp cloth handy in case Lily decides to produce a hairball. I clean poop for both of them After losing to Auburn, all a Hokie fan can do is sleep it off. I'm actually right behind her but my wife thought it best to leave me out of the picture Taylor in her skydiving outfit Kudos for color coordination Pretty (sleepy) in pink Notice the neatly trimmed nails Doh! Fell out of the crib Wiggle Worm! Taylor's first dress What horrible parents would leave a baby sitting on a bed like that? Cellphones aren't the only things with hands-free accessories. Kristen once remarked after birth how nice it was to not be carrying all that weight in front of her anymore Kristen, you might wanna take some Zyrtec. I mean seriously, aren't you allergic to babies? It was funnier when Lily was nursing When she wouldn't stop crying, we lynched her elephant and zebra .... and the sun. The cats soon learned how to operate the baby catapult. 'Ew, stay 'ere and make sure she .... doesn't leave. Get out of my litter box It started with me leaving the microwave open while heating Sammie's food. Now I have no arms and his butt is fused to my stomach. I think someone's mugging that snowman Scuch became impatient and left once he realized she was never going to read him his favorite book. It's a cute picture, but she can't see more than 8 inches in front of her right now. We call this the "Cycle of Kisses" Actually Kristen's just spanking her for crying Even I'll admit that this is a really cute picture. Can anyone else see the 'V' in her hairline? My attempt to start a "Cycle of Kisses" fails miserably. Seriously, it's like I'm not even there. I think she's just surprised to learn that her pants are up to her armpits. Blue Steel Taylor didn't enjoy her first day working the mines. Seriously, put the phone down. We were just taking her hand and footprints. She's very good with the bath. She doesn't get upset or anything... Why won't this breast work?! ... at least until you start bathing her. Maybe ice water wasn't the best choice for rinsing. Once he sprays her, he's completely comfortable around her. And like that she hauled off and smacked him. It looks like she's smiling, but she just has gas. I'm not sure about Taylor, though. No, no, NO! What's with all the global variables? Let's try less coupling and more cohesion. Seriously, you've got JMU or UMD written all over you. I'm just kidding. She's actually mudding. Poopy! Seriously, hold her while I go change my diaper. My two favorite ladies. It would appear that Taylor has recently spit-up on Kristen I guess we're keeping her ... at least there's always eBay. Generic Popup Ad! They've come up with some crazy ways to prevent repetitive stress injuries. The beer. I'm talking about the beer. That rattle just said a dirty word! Turns out it's just a special bong for babies. You sit in that corner and think about what you did! Piglet appears to be double-exposed Was it snowing? Yes. Did we take her out in the snow? No. Did we use the weather as an excuse to put her in a snowsuit for 4 year olds? Yes. Seriously, she's completely contained in the torso of that thing. The appendages make great storage places for extra diapers, bottles, uncut Colombian prime... Samson and Me, 2005 It looks like Taylor took this herself What's funny is that having his paws turned in like that means that he trusts her. Watch how I make his eyes light up Entertain yourself. We're going to a movie. Is that a counterpillar? I'm so clever. *swoon* Headline: Ungrateful child doesn't notice when father is replaced by hungry bear. Yes, you love your mommy. And your mommy loves you...as is illustrated by the fact that she gave you a screwdriver to play with. What? What do YOU clean their noses with? Taylor seems unconcerned that her mother has fallen down the stairs. Raising a baby is no easy fe...nevermind. Someone should punch me. Kristen left me home alone with Taylor for the first time today. She was all worried, but I explained that Taylor was perfectly safe with her daddy. All the sudden a screwdriver doesn't seem so bad Kristen's still at the gym, but I've got things under control. Daddy's right here, sweetie. These diapers keep leaking on her clothes Re-defining "All In" Perfectly legal Don't worry, I know what I'm doing. I have a pair of hearts. Maybe it's a depth thing, but my ear is the same size as Taylor Kenny should fold. His cards are two completely different colors. Wow, what's that big blue and white chip worth? And yet he calls! What a sucker! Craig appears to be drinking a mana potion So right now I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to tell Kristen. Between you and me, I don't think it'll take long for him to give her back Well, Taylor has a new daddy. It's okay, we'll play poker again in a week and I should be able to win her back. Tonight was just an off-night. They actually have very similar haircuts Back to our regularly scheduled program I like monkeys Givin' Momma a little wink. We call this her 'Popeye laugh' At first Taylor liked her Winnie the Pooh doll. We started to worry when she viciously ripped his scalp off and began wearing it as a hat. This used to be a different picture but Kristen made me change it Babies are small. You should probably ignore the picture of my brother kissing me Her little shins are exposed to the cold. Wren would have a fit. I didn't let them back in until they had shoveled the sidewalk When cornered, candycane monsters will strike with their deadly candy shuriken. Tell us the secrets to your peppermint pants! Dear Social Services, Please send me documentation detailing what constitutes mistreatment of children. Thank you. Suddenly Taylor was bombarded with life insurance sales gimmicks Dear Mr. Self, Thank you for your recent inquiry. Dressing a child as a duck and surrounding her with rubber duckies does not constitute mistreatment. However, should your wife ever go insane and try to bathe her duck-baby in an empty tub, give us a call. Everyone was confused when one of the ducks exclaimed, 'Liberty Mutual!' Shouldn't there be a beer in the other hand? Man, I have to pee Losers like Mozart played piano with their hands. Taylor's way beyond that. Look, Mom! I crushed a flower! You'd think we'd keep it cleaner around here. Let's see you clean the house and raise a baby at the same time. Is it a giant worm or a tiny baby? I'm not sure how she figured out the remote, but we came home to find her watching Sex and the City. She seemed really mesmerized. Wait, did I say we came home? I meant that we came into the nursery from just down the hall...the safety hall. We're good parents, damnit! I wanna be like Samantha! K.C. becomes the first of the Boston bunch to see Taylor. Kissing and making out are totally not the same thing! Taylor's first day in DC. I'm pretty sure this is the Capitol. That logo is way too subtle Ahh, this reminds of the first time Kristen held someone else's baby. I think it was sometime last March...or April maybe. I don't remember...sometime just before she got pregnant. Everyone point at Nate and laugh We've got 6.1 DTS with 80 inches of progressive Halo...oh yeah, Taylor's over there in the corner somewhere. Size no longer matters. Umm, contrast ratio does. Yeah, contrast ratio. Would anyone here prefer a crib? It's so cute when Taylor has that dream about riding the subway Okay, I swear this wasn't me. I got to work to find my lunch wrapped in a diaper. Kristen's starting to crack. As you can see, even Taylor knows this is wrong I decided to give her the 'Dad Talk'. ...and you'll want to make sure you pick a company with good health benefits. Start thinking now about how you're going to invest your privatized social security... Mom, you're being paranoid. It's just one friend. We'll be good. Seriously, nobody's concerned that I'm next to a bear? Are you sure this is how we play musical chairs? Nobody appears to be losing. Hey, you can BEARly see her! Seriously, somebody shoot me. Kristen, calm down. Now start over...what do you mean you can't find Taylor? Taylor, where are you? Mommy wants to take more pictures... Okay. So I sometimes put up pictures simply because they're cute. What? That outfit is meant for 3-6 months...she's 8 weeks old Some old and some new for comparing size. Just add water! Kristen had a good idea that involved showing Taylor in the same outfits as evidence of her growth. I've added some of them here so you can compare. This is her during her first couple weeks at home. Yeah yeah, fell out of the crib, blah blah This is near two months old in the same outfit. See how the wrinkles just disappear? I think my sister made that quilt Unfortunately, there aren't a whole lot of pictures of her in the same outfits. So I decided I could show her on the bouncy thing for comparison. Here she's only a couple weeks old and barely covers that center blue area. I have no reciprocal deals with Graco In this one, her head is clearly above the blue area. We label the heart in case we forget where it is This one's tough to tell because of the blanket. It's more the width. She just about covers the width of the blue area. Here legs are bigger under there. I swear Again, this one's tough to tell because she's on her side. We should really consider strapping her in It's like having 3 one-month-old babies. I don't like monkeys anymore My daughter will have nothing but the best. I outfitted her nursery with a 6.1 DTS system with 200W per channel. I think she likes it. She keeps having these dreams that someone's dropping a piano on her This is Taylor doing her best impression of a boy. Hey, at least the name still works Taylor, doing "The Fonz". Who likes boobies? A bathing suit and a conveniently-placed ducky is all it takes to bathe a baby. Special guest: Lily So Taylor had her first round of shots today. It was very upsetting for her mom and I. We dealt with the problem as best we could. She was really crying earlier. It's way less annoying now. We decided to enter Taylor in that new reality show, The Contender. She's about to demonstrate her suckerpunch Okay, so it started out as a simple tour of the taffy factory. There was a lot of 'Troy, put her down' followed by 'Honey, it's under control. I'm not really going to drop her in there'. These are the measures you have to take when your baby attacks you with scissors That star just ate my sock! Caution: do not use this tent in rain Kristen, have you seen my 40-pound bunny ears? -finally- some of her daddy's features show up This is mine. This is where my food comes from. This Easter bunny even lays chocolate eggs Hey look, it's mommy with a camera! I wasn't hiding as well as I thought Oh crap. Is she okay? Can't wait to see that insurance bill Let's get the hell outta here. Tough to get away with all this traffic Troy, for the last time, what do you want for dinner? What's wrong, cat got your t...HOLY CRAP! Yeth, the cath hath my thongue This is what happens when you talk back to Mommy. Why does this taste like bourbon? Mmm, baby breath Mmm, scratching post Nothing funny to see here. Move along. *vomit* Cute Still cute Cute Still cute Cute Still cute Cute Still cute Cute Still cute Cute Still cute Cute Still cute Kristen flexes her artistic muscles. Still cute Cute Still cute Cute Still cute Most adorable picture ever! My baby is the cutest baby you've ever seen. I had a better caption but Kristen pulled veto. Cute Still cute Cute Still cute Cute Still cute Cute Still cute Cute Still cute Cute Still cute Taylor's visit to the Ferrari/Maserati dealership Must...rob...bank Okay, Troy, what we'll do is take Taylor's picture with a couple cars and then...Troy? Ah geez. I sat here for 6 hours I promised I wouldn't put anymore pictures up here that didn't have Taylor in them. Mmm, toys This is Tom. He works at a Ferrari dealership. He really really adores Taylor. I really really adore Ferraris. I smell a trade! Just kidding. Everyone who knows me knows I'm not into red cars. That's the closest thing to a car-seat Ferrari offers Maserati apparently sucks at advertising. I think we found your poster-girl. Your threats don't scare me, Tom. That car isn't even moving What? Take a picture of you with Taylor? Sure thing. Just a little more to your left...a little more... Piece of crap doesn't even have cupholders Umm. Thanks, Dad. Seriously, a nice rattle would have been just fine. We might need some pedal extenders Screw the rattle, how do I turn this thing on? Horsey! Okay, Tom, she needs to be fed every 2-3 hours... You know what they say. Once you go black, you...have to wash the stupid thing everytime it rains Coming soon: giggles, teeth, and other famous killer clowns. Maybe she'll grow some hair Bumbo! This is a bumbo seat. I have no idea where the name comes from but Taylor seems to like it. The instructions say to never place it on a raised surface...like a countertop. Or as the freak northern folk call it, the 'ledge'. ...and if you put a formula in this column, it will actually calculate the deltas for us... I don't care what he says, I'm using Excel This is the Exersaucer. It's like 10,000 toys in one. What the?! This is made by the same people that make Ritalin Nice try. There's no way I'm pulling that again. Uncle Sam wants YOUR baby I'm not a huge fan of this bib, but everyone else finds it hilarious. Thus I will submit to the masses and post a picture of my daughter wearing something that makes you think of a curse word. I guess it's better than that one that said 'Adolf Spitler'. This is Natalia. She has two distinguishing traits. The first is that she's Colombian. The second is that she hates that I always bring up the fact that she's Colombian. She's afraid I'm then going to make some silly Colombian joke. Nonsense! We received this photo as 'Proof of Life'. She said I can't have my bottle until I name 3 birds found in the northeast. ...and I have to know their calls ...and the result becomes your Adjusted Gross Income. Then you flip to the next page... Seriously, all I want is my bottle. What's wrong with you people? The inflatable baby is the best invention ever. The cheeks make me think I over-inflated. The evening was gorgeous and warm so Taylor had her first experience playing outside. Cya tomorrow, sweetie. The candles should keep the squirrels away This is my imaginary friend, Phil. Phil, you're sitting on my leg As I gazed up at the stars so far away, I pondered, why, why would anyone ever put me in a shirt that says 'Chunky Monkey'? ...and why don't we have a roof? Umm, some privacy please? I hate this giant diaper Hush little baby, don't say a word. Mommy's gonna buy you a mocking...HOLY CRAP! Oh he'll sing alright I decided to strangle the water monster for looking at my daughter wrong. She likes to shower before getting shot out of the cannon Daddy, when you're done folding my diapers, bring me a fresh milk...AND NO BUBBLES! Man, this headrest sucks As some may know, we're selling our house. You always want to pack up all of the clutter before showing it. Taylor hasn't learned to think outside the box Please, it's perfectly safe. Bubble-wrap is FULL of air. DISCLAIMER: Box actually empty So much drool... Next month: calculus Never bite the hand that feeds you. Peek-a-boo this, you jerk! Why no, I don't mind if you put me down. You didn't need this did you? Awww, Taylor's first cat-fight There's only one reason Taylor ever makes this face. Hey dad, I've got a present for ya Hmm, I wonder if I can grab that sock without falling over Wow. My calves are the same size as my dad's Woohoo! ... Doh! Lil help? Taylor, you aren't eating your bears again, are you? Yes I have three of the same bear. Is that a problem? According to Dr. Elmo, her tonsils were just fine. Elmo wasn't sure why she needed a bib to play with him Well Taylor, everything looks fine. If I could just get your insurance inf...AHH, MY EYEBALL! She didn't intend him any harm. She just wanted his sweet, sweet eye juice There we go. See how much better your skin looks after applying that lotion? Yeah, that's you and your daddy, who will always keep you safe Ah crap. Four months of trust down the tubes. Hey! A baby just landed on my foot, but you don't see me crying, do you? What are you, deaf? STOP TAKING MY PICTURE! Kristen, your tag's up! Kristen bought our innocent daughter a leopard-skin outfit. Maybe we should just teach her to smoke. Smithsburg rules! How the hell did I get in here? ...and what happened to my shirt? What are you looking at?! I'll break out of here and make you eat that camera! I'm frikkin' crazy! You hear me?! Raaa! I'll admit that it was my idea to give her Mt. Dew. The undersigned here-forth agrees to stop crying. She later gets some fancy lawyer to invalidate it Umm, Miss? I can't feel my fingers. Miss? Maybe you should have thought about that before I grabbed them And with the flip of a switch, they all learned a lesson in centrifugal force. Spin the wheel to see which one you win It's okay, Taylor, we can get your temperature from the armpit. Wow, I suck at keeping my daughter off the pole We made Shake'n'Bake today "And I helped!" Suck it, Wahoos!! Taylor, keep your fingers out of the tiger cage. She visits the tigers after a long day of lobster-farming I don't understand why she won't sleep at night. 1 in 12 of those caps wins a free Coke After we're done here, I need to pick up my diapers from the dry-cleaners. Wegmans rules Umm, where are you guys going? I guess I'll just wait here then. Stroller not included She keeps all the food in her cheeks in case she gets hungry later. High chairs might be better these days but they take up a lot more room than they used to It's hopeless. I've been looking for my contact for hours. They all look like ants from up here More just plain cute pictures All captions have been sent home Cute Still cute Cute Still cute Cute Still cute Cute Still cute Cute Still cute Cute Still cute Cute Still cute Cute Still cute Cute Still cute Cute Still cute She has hair! Just kidding Suddenly she went all French on us. Next she'll be surrendering. Hint: Frog-legs is a French delicacy Kitty! Hey, maybe we can have Taylor's stink removed, too One of the first things we taught Taylor was how to check for lice. If I can't grow it, I'll steal it! He started running around screaming. We later explained that it was just a game and nobody 'had his nose'. Much like a snapping turtle, she won't let go until thunder strikes. Look at me. I'm Elijah Wood! Who thought it necessary to put cup-holders in a toy wagon? Is anyone gonna push? I'll just...I guess I'll just wait here until you guys get back. I just went and hugged Taylor. The lonely scene I'm trying to paint actually got to me. 47...48...49...50. Ready or not, here I...aww, stupid crib! That Eyore is magical...and probably misspelled. Help! My house fell over! She's coming dangerously close to that exposed metal! Alcoholism is easiest to fix when it is discovered early. That's the perfect cookout combination Feedings just got messier. Is it me or does the Gerber baby look like Rodney Dangerfield? This milk tastes funny. It's the spitler bib; just turned backwards I hate my new room. Mmm, this wood tastes like pesticide This picture is here for one reason. Look at that gut! It's like pudding oozing over her pants. Maybe we introduced McDonalds too early What do you mean she isn't looking at the camera? Something must be distracting her. I bet you can't figure out what's about to happen Oh, it's that colorful windmill. Hey, she feels lighter all the sudden. No babies were harmed in the making of this picture Pardon my father while he performs a rudimentary paternity test. We've replaced Donald's normal Sunday paper with a baby. Let's see what happens. And thus begins the second half of her first year ...and the third half of her first 6 months See, it says here that Goldilocks was simply hungry and...okay I just realized you aren't real. Personally, I'm a little disappointed that she's still reading books with pictures in them Taylor's first experience in a restaurant highchair. Look how lazy we've gotten. We just give her the puppet. Look, I'm the 2.5! Check out those Robeez She hasn't taken an I.Q. test yet, but we've pretty much made our assessment. She won't need the swimmies until she's old enough to eat soup Quick, climb under! I can't hold this up forever! Bad Taylor! Get back under the crib! Yeah yeah, they're dressed alike. This is about 30 seconds before Jeff decided to poke Taylor in the eye. Also, Joe's foot This is about -3 seconds before Jeff decided to poke Taylor in the eye. It's probably an accident though. I doubt he's really after her. 'It's a trick my dad taught me. I swear there's a quarter in here somewhere.' Nope, he's definitely after her. She began crying at this point. Yep, Jeff picks on girls. It's okay, she rolls over later, ending his streak of violence. It might be kinda early, but I got Taylor a bike with a trailer she could pull her teddy bear in. I mean, in which she could pull her teddy bear. Sorry. Sorry, everybody! I call it the Taylor Trailer. I also get beat up almost everyday. It's also an agent architecture. So, this babysitting thing? I'm pretty sure you're supposed to be playing with me ... or at least holding me. Can I have some clothes? Pardon me; just marking territory. Taylor and I test out the new hammock. Hey, she has my eyes there. That's probably because the sun is shining directly in them. Hey, I learned my first word today...it's "matricide". Canada sucks! Oh come on! It's been three freakin' days! I can't feel my ears! Just kidding, Canada. Please come save me. There are some who believe that the ancient art of origami requires paper. Hi, Pam! Wow, somebody deserves the Dad of the Year award. You dump a bottle of Dasani in the backyard and call it a pool? Even the duck has run aground in this water marvel. Good thing I'm wearing this wet suit! I'm pretty sure she gets her sarcasm from Kristen Taylor, stop it right now! We'll play ghost later. This is what happens when you take pictures in DC in July. Floridians consider this a dry heat. Taylor, the Padawan warrior Hint 1: Star Wars. Hint 2: Extremely geeky. My attempt to scare Taylor failed, but now she's deathly afraid of orange soda. Has anyone ever noticed that Sunkist actually says Sinkist? Taylor's first visit to Ogunquit, Maine Lobsters, sand, and funny hats We never should have gotten Taylor that silk-screen kit. Besides, she can't prove anything from within her cage Get away from my tube. Someone tell Nate's mom that we ARE using it Kristen's trying to boogie, but Taylor's just bored. Oh snap! This is one of Taylor's 75 bathing suits. No no, I was just curious. My baby food and milk all have expiration dates. I thought maybe your tie might have one, too. Matches the couch, though After hypnotizing Piglet, Kristen tries the same technique on Taylor. Little known fact: the famous Orc sword, Sting, was later turned into a watch What the!? This is supposed to be on the Cute page. I'm pretty sure he's whispering something about tie jokes and making his daughter a widow She learned a tough lesson today. Sand doesn't taste good. Now she's trying to keep Taylor from making the same mistake. Bathing suit #26 I prefer to use words like 'camping' and 'adventure', but the police insisted on using words like 'neglect' and 'abandonment'. It's the hottest spot north of Havana Mohawks and unicorns No acid-trips required Mom, it looks like someone is driving away in your car. Mom? I guess this wasn't the kind of house-warming gift Kristen was expecting Hmm, I wonder what Daddy's new TV would taste like. I'm pretty sure it would taste like a spanking, Taylor Thank goodness you're here, Mr. Unicorn! Get me away from that exposed outlet! Hey, where else was I supposed to plug in the soldering iron I got her? Wait a minute...unicorns aren't real! No Emerald nuts for you! We can't figure out why she's so hard to get to sleep. I wanted to get her one with the Periodic Table, but Kristen insisted we start with just letters and numbers We didn't expect this to happen until her teen-years, but she's entered that rebellious phase where she wears radical hair do's and chases tail. Hey, another outlet. We are the kings of baby-proofing Unfortunately, 'Good Taylor' was trapped on the other side of the magic mirror. We'll have to deal with "Punk Taylor" for the foreseeable future. I'd like it noted that our magic mirror has a barcode She, like, crawls now and stuff. 4 8 15 16 23 42 This is how Taylor and Mommy go hiking. You can't just leave her on the road like that! The pedals and handlebars are getting scratched! That awful toy is supposed to vibrate to simulate the purr of the engine. I think they do it by hiding a jackhammer inside. Just what our highways need...another female driver First of all, she can't do much harm with them in the box. Second of all, that carpet is totally insured against fire damage. Besides, the dynamite is kept safely on the other side of the nursery This is a good time to mention the Terms of Use for this web site. Nothing here can be used as evidence against Kristen or me in a criminal or civil trial. This looks really dangerous to me. She could fall back and hit that brick. I'm sorry; you lost me. Am I a mommy duck or a mommy kangaroo? and why did Daddy hit me in the head, yell 'GOOSE' and then run off giggling? This is the only Virginia Tech cheerleader outfit she has...the only one for away games, anyway. Sorry, I can't pay attention to that duck right now. Vick just setup in the shotgun... I wanted to go play tackle-football with the guys. Kristen said I needed to spend time with my daughter. Marriage is about compromise. My brother has those shorts and it ticks me off whenever we wear them at the same time They say we evolved from apes. I say, "Prove it". After our bout of football, Taylor decided that offensive lineman was her forte Picnics looked a lot more fun on TV. It's been 6 hours. Where are they? She has officially been out of the womb as long as she was in. Catfights and MSN ads Only one of us gets to be the cute baby today. Capeesh? Sarah relied on her mastery at the art of 'walking' to thwart Taylor's strongarm tactics What? I'm fffine. What do you key my needs for? That's not a scrape on her forehead. We're good parents. Oh yeah, and we don't actually let her drink VT is kicking the crap about of WVU in the background. The score ticker at the bottom shows Maryland beating UVA 24-20. All in all, this is a good picture. Oh, hey. It's Taylor. Any news from the Governor? It seems cruel, but how else can Kristen and I watch 6 hours of TV each day? Yeah. Nice car. It doesn't even have a bottom. Yeah well YOU don't have a bottom. Ha! One point, Dad. Zero points, Taylor. Hey, this one has a note from Mom. 'Make like a tree and...' Hey! Judging by the number of leaflets and the shape of the petiole, I'd say this leaf came from a raccoon. Holy crap I inherited my dad's horrible biology skills. Taylors heads for some rest after her first day working for MSN. She was mumbling something about spam-blockers and popup-blockers Taylor, it's time for a bath. Taylor? La la la la la la la la la Our first attempt at potty-training didn't go so well. Taylor made a mess and then flushed herself down the toilet. The TP bandit strikes again Look a me! I'm Elijah Wood before he grew hair on his feet! Hints: IMDB-tt0105211 and IMDB-tt0120737 How'd that date get on the glass? Taylor is feeling a lot of pane right now Turtle, apple, yo-yo, lion, owl, monkey. This makes absolutely no sense, Taylor. Bad girl! Wait! Each of those things is organic! She -is- a genius! Let's see how long you can ignore me after I loosen this screw. Taylor was an extra on 'The Love Boat' I might have been overreacting, but that slide was pretty fast. From now on, Mom takes me to the park It might look like I'm pretending to have dropped Taylor. What you can't see is the grizzly bear charging directly at us. I'm just trying to protect my daughter. It is well-known that grizzlies are deathly afraid of girly shrieking sounds. At 10 months, babies tend to do things like make messes, and grow wool. And also scare the crap out of their parents with fun tricks, like fevers You know what I hate? A pink bow. Ugh, there's one on me right now, isn't there? Pink bow, pink bunny, and pink sweater; yet it's still less girly than Nate liking orange Zima Man, I hope they can't see me right now. I'll teach you to put stupid bows in my hair Okay, the leaves are raked and the yard is mowed just like you asked. When does Mom get home? It's like she's a real person...only smaller Who's genius idea was this? I like taking tape off of stuff. The child-proof locks are on there. They just don't work. *sigh* Everyday, Daddy comes in here and pulls everything out of here, leaving me to fold it all and put it back. That's a joke. Taylor's the one that empties it. Seriously! I've only emptied it once, maybe twice. Taylor NEVER sleeps on us like this. All it takes is a 104-degree fever to make her all cuddly. We were at the E.R. about an hour after this. I'm tempted to make this the last picture so you guys all wonder if she ever got better Here she is, all better, being exploited by her parents for candy. Yeah yeah, thanks for the candy. So as I was saying, we have spam-blockers, popup-blockers... I know what you're thinking. That chair is way too big for her. This is the song that never ends... We learned that some ravioli is designed to be self-fed by the baby. Others are meant to be spoon-fed. I wanted to make a vicious carnivore joke here. Kristen said no. A day at the Burke Nursery Fall Festival Starring: Pumpkins and Dirt Wait, it's not midnight yet. That Fairy Godmother was a liar! What do West Virginians do on Halloween? Taylor liked the slide. She especially liked it the 40th time while we were still trying to get the perfect picture. Kristen shows off by riding up the hay-mulcher backwards. I'm not even sure it's a ride. She really likes riding the horses. We are oblivious to whatever is scaring the crap out of those horses She REALLY likes riding the horses. I'm wearing orange because it's festive Two hours: Failure to relinquish a horse willingly. She could get out early on good behavior but I think we all know that's unlikely The cats still haven't gotten used to Taylor. We're doing what we can to make them more comfortable. And yet the most ridiculous thing is still that bow Well, she might actually be 16 in cat years. She should really watch the road Yeup. Just standin' here...watchin' ma farm...with cat on ma face. The answer is 'Pump-kin'. This is the Ferris Wheel for babies. As you can see from her hair, it runs at about 2000rpm. Kristen prepares to catch her The last days of being a baby Next month she gets a job Meh. What's the worst that could happen? The redundant circuit will keep the rest of the bulbs on. Of course, we don't have a redundant baby Is it me or have the fur coat companies gotten lazy? Okay, who tucked her shirt into her diaper? Biiiinnnnnnnkiiiiiiiiieeeesssss It's a zombie joke Okay, I give up! You can keep the books. The mystery of the missing books was solved. Onto the mystery of the missing cats. Get in here, Dad. I don't have all night. No tears, eh? We'll see about that. Maybe Doonesbury will seem funny when I'm older It won't Dude, you're getting a baby! Thank goodness we paid for that 1-year replacement warranty. I'm helping Daddy catch a lion. We only managed to catch grandparents and single women in their thirties Look at me! I'm Brian Boitano. Special guest: Kara It's bad enough that there's suddenly a tree growing in our house, but this one has something seriously wrong with it. How many babies does it take to unscrew every light bulb she can reach? I might have confused the story about Santa Claus with the story about Candyman. She didn't seem happy to meet him. It almost appears that her anguish pleases him One year down. Seventeen to go. Cake and presents! Well here it is. For one month only, we get to report her age in years. She's not 12 months. She's 1. You are now looking at a toddler Ha! Taylor fell for the old 45-pound telephone trick. 911? I'd like to report a fashion crime involving my shoes and shirt Go Team Taylor! We managed to keep her mostly undamaged for a whole year. Won't be needing these anymore First you make me wear this ridiculous hat and then you light my food on fire? Kristen has to restrain her because toddlers apparently don't know not to touch fire Why yes, that's sugar. Okay, time for bed. Aww, she's blushing This is what a 1-year-old's birthday party looks like. What a bunch of tools. Joe brought beer...to my daughter's birthday party She got a baby doll so she could pretend to be the mommy. So far all she does is scream at it and drink wine. Nice jacket, invisible man! Well...it fits nice...I like the color...not too itchy...it'll do. Special guest seamstress: Anna Watch Taylor as she starts her second trip around the sun If you believe all that hocus pocus... I'm not saying she's fast, but the shutter speed was about 1/1000. Once you hit 1, you gotta work harder to keep that metabolism up I handed her this book and asked her to read it to me since I didn't know how. She just kept pointing at her shirt. Yes, sweetie, shirt. Math is more important anyway This is called the germ melting pot. OF COURSE it's her most favorite thing ever. Silly rabbit, Trix are for giants Shhh. Don't tell anyone I ate my plate. Can you guess where she's putting those peas? Hey sweetie, you're missing. Maybe there are some things she should learn from Mommy instead Oh great, I stepped in gum. Crap, I got gum in my hair! Peanut butter is deadly at this age so I have no idea how we're going to help her Within 2 minutes, our question is answered. Yes, Taylor is too young for a pet hamster. Seriously, Mommy should be in charge of potty-training ...yes, that's correct...Yes, right in the middle of my head. I look like a freaking sumo wrestler...the first half is already in your off-shore account. You'll get the rest when it's done. Clearly this is fiction. Taylor does her own dirty work Step 1: Receive orders from parents not to climb on things. Step 2: Always make sure parents are watching before climbing on things. I was less worried about her climbing and more worried about Kristen's wrath once she finds out I shrank the couch For the first time ever, Lily is glad the door is shut. Find me one law that says we can't lock our baby out in January Step 3: Repeat as often as possible on as many things as possible. If she moves a muscle, that sentry turret will get her This is just here as an illustration of how parenting is a team effort. She is wearing the baby monitor and cooking. I am drinking a beer, watching the game, and tracking dirt on the carpet. Wait, now I'm asking when dinner is going to be ready. No picture of Taylor for you! She plays with alligators and snow...all in the same day For a clever tooltip, please insert a quarter into any available outlet. Laugh all you want. She can walk in them like that. Wow her hair looks red. Remind me to have a little chat with Andy There are receptacle covers laying on the floor. We can all agree that there is probably an uncovered outlet somewhere in that room. I'm more concerned about how that toy teaches us that hitting alligators with sticks makes pretty music. Okay okay, so it teaches us that hitting alligators makes awful clanging noises Her singing career had barely begun when police raided the place and arrested her for possession of a binky after sleeping hours. She was later released when the frisking revealed only a dirty diaper The kitchen was guarded from the outside and yet the candy continued to disappear. It remains a mystery to this day. Hey, an Indian...no wait, it's Taylor Clearly, we were more concerned about keeping her legs warm. Don't get me started on how cold they keep that place And the ground just ate my legs...great. You ready to come back inside? Have you thought about what you did? Taylor in Colorado...and various non-events. ps: alcohol affects you differently at high altitudes Sure, we could get growth hormones, but our 'Grow or Starve' system is cheaper and probably more humane. Okay, it's just cheaper. Umm, okay. Let's try, "Taylor, don't SIT on the chair." Even Elmo knows this is dangerous. These eyes will break hearts, someday. I just mean that they shoot lasers ... at your heart. Lily, you have proven yourself valiant and brave. I now annoint you as Eater of Crickets. In reality the book is on its way down at about 15mph. Lily barks now. *sigh* I don't have any toys. ...or pants Nice little kitty ki....ow ow ow! Just kidding! We tied her there so we could go out. Yeah, great playground, Anna. Denver blows. The color of that grass is 'Colorado Green' While in Colorado, we visited the Garden of the Gods. You don't go to a place like that without getting all diva'd up. I'm wearing a Tabasco shirt because I'm hot and spicy...and good on eggs. Fantastic. I'll definitely be blamed for this one. But seriously. Who keeps an entire cabinet of plastic bags? Serial killers. That's who. Taylor looks a little scared there. I'm sure it has nothing to do with a cat suddenly erupting out of my ear. Let's face it. Vanishing a quarter is so last century. You know that freak-out feeling you get when you lean back in a chair and you suddenly think it's going to fall, even though it isn't? Well some people get that same feeling sitting on a dinosaur. Dino looks just as surprised as she does. Uh oh. I overslept. I'd better get Taylor up before Kristen gets home. I'll just check the video monitor to make sure...oh crap, she's not there. I can't believe I inherited some of your genes